I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I should have done or could have done, however guilt and regret serve no purpose now. Laura launched NOT PLANT BASED on 1 Sept 2016 after working flat out in every spare minute of the previous 3 or 4 months. I offered to check her writing for spelling mistakes. Did I know she had suffered from bulimia? No! Had I suspected it? Yes.
Following the revelations on NOT PLANT BASED Laura and I spoke more about it all. I’m not exactly sure when but with a gentle reminder from Laura I do remember she had approached me and explained (probably at the age of about 17) her difficulties with her eating disorder. I only remembered this as Laura was able to explain vividly exactly where we were sitting at that time.
For me it was like getting hit in the face with a shovel. I remembered it. She must have built up the courage to reveal the secret to me that she had been binge eating and then making herself sick. I also remember being upset about it, although I never for a minute dreamed that it would carry on in secret for years after this. What was I thinking? I assumed (or maybe just hoped) that it had only been a brief bout and that she merely wanted to get it off her chest and start afresh. Yes that was it….put it all behind her….and me.
The fact that I had to be reminded of this conversation carved me open. It was for me a cruel reminder of missed opportunity and failure on my part to take up the gauntlet. I was floored and couldn’t hide my shame, embarrassment and regret.
There are no exams to pass before being a parent and no one can prepare you for what it may bring. I will be fully honest and open as Laura has been in her heartfelt account. I know that the exercise of offloading has been positive therapy for Laura. It is something she has lived with for many years and I feel I am coming a little late to the party. The past few weeks for me has been full on and emotional to discover the truth, warts and all. As each tweet or magazine/newspaper article unfolds before my eyes (and in each one another snippet of hidden turmoil) the salt is rubbing in the wounds but also the healing is beginning. The obvious interest on social media with such kind comments has encouraged us both and created an ever strengthening bond between us.
Laura was always happy and easy to please as a child, as long as puppies and ponies were never far away. She slept well and wasn’t a fussy eater and did well at school. I remember as a toddler she was forever climbing on every piece of furniture, just climbing all the time, happy in her own company. At school she worked hard and was always concerned if she thought a child was being bullied, telling me she was going to try to be that girl/boy’s friend the next day at school.
She lived happily without a care in the world until (as I thought) she reached the dreaded teenage years. Then suddenly she became sultry not wanting to talk (although she would talk more to her Dad). Looking back, he didn’t ask as many questions as me and I think that fitted better with Laura’s needs. Whilst putting her moods down to ‘just growing up’ perhaps I missed the warning signs of her troubled eating. I supposed that in a few years’ time she would come back to me and want to talk again. Thankfully that has happened and we are very close now.
For a few years (probably between the age of 16-19ish) I did notice that she would go through various eating fads, one of which was ‘replacing milk with soya.’ I do remember suggesting that as a young woman she needed calcium and should not exclude milk. My advice was not well received and I got the impression that she was determined to do it her way. I noticed that she was taking very small portions and eating with a tea spoon instead of a larger spoon and almost always using the same tiny bowl. She was clever, taking her food into another room to eat alone and giving the impression that she was eating enough but preferred to eat little and often. Perhaps we didn’t sit down and eat together as a family often enough. If we had I wonder if I would I have noticed more what she was or was not eating. I noticed that some of the friends she had kept in her early teens suddenly went missing and I felt it was not my business to ask.
On the other hand, I noticed that she went back to the fridge on many occasions to help herself to handfuls of leftover food. That in a way was a comfort to me in my ignorance because if she wasn’t eating enough at mealtimes she was getting hungry and making up for it by grazing. However, on occasions when she seemed stressed I saw her eat 3 or 4 lemon slices at once (she has a sweet tooth). I knew this was not right. When she knew I had bought Easter eggs as I did every year for her and her brothers she came to me the night before and asked for hers. I warned her not to eat it all as she would have none for Easter Sunday. She was in no mood to negotiate. I knew then that she fully intended to eat the lot there and then but I felt powerless to intervene.
When I was a teenager I was the skinniest girl in the school (which I hated). I didn’t have an eating disorder. Hell no, I ate for fun simply because I didn’t put weight on. I developed the habit of eating my dinner and invariably going back for another plateful (just because I could). As I progressed into my 20’s my metabolism was unable to cope and I began to gain weight. I now think it was a bad habit to form and a hard one to break. Therefore, the fact that Laura was eating such small portions didn’t alarm me as I believe that most of us over eat anyway. Misguided maybe but I thought she was eating small portions and was still getting the necessary vitamins and minerals. How could I have been so wrong?
Over her teenage years Laura seemed to morph even more than Madonna. One day eggs were good and another they were, along with all dairy banished from her lips. The familiar rattle of the scales on the bathroom floor and her pounding in the bedroom overhead to her exercise DVD each evening became the norm. I wasn’t overly worried about this because I thought exercise was good, although with hindsight she didn’t have the fuel as ammunition to torture her body as she did. I noticed at my 50th birthday that her collar bones and hips were sticking out. She was just too thin and one of my particularly nosey friends was telling me that Laura must have eating issues. Laura made me the most beautiful birthday cake with a leprechaun hand made from icing on the top all in green with a ginger beard. I was delighted and so proud of her.
Over those years I did worry that she was making herself sick although I had no proof. I’m not sure what the barrier was but up until then I didn’t confront Laura directly. I vaguely remember an incidence where we knew Laura was in the bathroom and previous tell-tale signals led us to suspect she may be making herself sick. As Laura communicated best with her Dad it was him who asked her if she was ok and if she had been sick. She denied being sick. Although suspicious I accepted her word.
Finally, when Laura was about 18 (I’m not sure) again she confided in her Dad. He told me that she admitted she had an eating disorder and that she wanted him to tell me and her 2 brothers (which he did). She had said that she was bingeing and didn’t want temptation in her way. She had apparently asked that in future we don’t cook too much in order that the leftovers would be less and therefore little temptation. That is all he told me. He did not tell me that she had been making herself sick and I don’t know if she actually told her Dad this and he didn’t pass it on to me.
I remember plucking up the courage to approach the subject with Laura afterwards. It seems like a blur now but I think I told Laura that Dad had told me and asked her if she was ok. I think it was a one-word answer in reply. As time went on I asked her again how she was getting on. She said she was ok and I presumed that she didn’t want to talk. Following that I felt that it became harder to broach the subject………out of sight out of mind………and easier to hope that things had clicked into place. The truth is I didn’t know what to do and as she wasn’t asking I was unsure of what I could do to help.
She now embraces everything fresh and wholesome over a wide range of foods and understands the need to not cut out any food groups for fear of triggering cravings. She has explained to me the need for sitting at the table and giving food the attention and respect it deserves and to enjoy it as it was intended to be.
Laura has thrown herself into this project headlong. My pride and amazement at how strong she can be have given me the impetus to leave all the negativity (the would have or could have) behind. She is so positive and focussed on the project. The fact that she has thrown humour into each article helps enormously. We have grown closer through open and honest communication (mostly on our long car journeys between Birmingham and London). NPB will achieve what Laura has set out to do and that is to raise awareness and help other sufferers. Of course if I had known then what I know now things could have been different but I can’t change that and I take the same attitude as Laura. If what I am saying helps even one person, then it will all be worthwhile. I am very, very proud. Well done Laura.