I’ve always loved a good deli counter. The opportunity to spend a good 20 minutes mentally undressing a display of stuffed Kalamata olives and ingesting the scent of marinated anchovies is something I’m unlikely to turn down. There’s one deli counter in particular that has always put on a pretty good spread and, fortunately, it just so happens to be a few hundred yards from my new office (did I mention that I got a great new job ON A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER btw? Nbd). I’m not going to mention any health food shop names incase the kale-breathing lawyers decide to come for me, but let’s just say it doesn’t not sound like ‘Mole Foods’…
Now, if this lunchtime opportunity had occurred three years a go, I’d have been in quite the pickle. The unknowing, naive and fat-phobic Eve would have innocently walked into Mole Foods with her eyes firmly on the deli salad bar (which btw would have simultaneously bankrupted her), blissfully unaware of the fuck-off displays of faddy food shite that was about to infiltrate her weary mind and, eventually, force their way down her throat. You’ve barely reached the freshly baked sourdough and already you’re hit with a small army of food products which make you feel a) inadequate, b) guilty and c) poor. Boasting promises of, ‘enhanced wellbeing’, ‘increased energy’, and ‘PH balancing’ (more on that later), the little – or large – packets of suspect-looking powders, seedlings and pummelled fruit things which appear to be extremely sad replicas of a chocolate bar, these items line the shelves like some sort of blockade against pleasure. The message is pure and simple; ‘YOU ARE INADEQUATE WITHOUT ME.’
It’s a marketing tactic not overly different to the majority of advertising campaigns, however as the majority of these products are specifically aimed at ‘improving’ our health, I find it particularly terrifying. It’s especially frustrating for three main reasons. Firstly, the so-called scientific basis of such concoctions is, for want of a better word, bollocks. Secondly, despite this particular store’s supposed concern for your health, both their corporate and retail policies include practices which are proven to make our health worse. Fat shaming, for instance, has recently been found to considerably harmful to our physical health – increasing the risk of heart attack. The ‘health’ store in question famously introduced a policy, back in 2010, that rewarded employees under a certain weight with a hefty discount – those above a certain BMI were shamed both personally and financially. Also, given that poverty proven to be more of a determinant of ill health than obesity and high blood pressure, charging people £4.99 per kilo for a courgette isn’t exactly ‘health enhancing’, is it?
Armed with my collection of irritations, I mooched around the store on my lunch break, and found myself increasingly anxious for the thousands of young, impressionable 2014 Eves who I spotted staring at the back of shiny sachets and willing the microscopic small print to solve their desperate insecurities. If any of you are reading this; here’s a spoiler: It won’t. Trust me, I tried it. Anyway, I snapped a few of the worse offending items, because, everyone likes a laugh…
1. IBIZA SUPERFOODS: THE FIT MIX
Before I even get started on the fact that an edible product is being marketed as a way to ‘keep fit’, there’s a more pressing matter at hand. Despite what the experts at Ibiza Superfoods may tell you (who I’m sure are very credible scientists), there is no significant or conclusive evidence that the consumption of Hemp, Wheatgrass, Lucuma, Goji, Kelp or Green Tea is linked to sustained weight loss. OR any substantial health benefits, to be honest. Also, they’re £30 a pop.
2. LIVIA’S KITCHEN RAW MILLIONAIRE BITES
It’s not the scientific negligence of the ingredients that irks me so, but rather the message of the packaging. I’d like Livia to explain to me why her ‘raw’ bites are are more ‘nutritional’ than, say, a non-raw millionaire bite. Both offer some form of nutrition, and therefore, one cannot be more ‘nutritional’ than the other. But, if you DID want to have that argument, these ‘natural’ bites are 4g higher in sugar than M&S’ – in my opinion, much tastier – alternative. Oh, and at just over 100 calories in two of these bites – they’re NOT indulgent. Thanks bye.
3. ALKALINE INFUSION POWDER
Where to start with this one? Firstly, the ‘alkalisation’ of the body is not a thing. The organs in our bodies do a pretty great job of ensuring that our internal PH level doesn’t veer away from neutral – or 7 on the PH scale. If, for some reason, the body does become a little too acidic, or alkaline – even by 0.001 on the scale – we’d be dead. The cells in our body monitor pH level, temperature, insulin, fluid levels via a process called homeostasis. The process is largely affected by the amount of oxygen available to your cells – via breathing – NOT through your food. Your pH level CANNOT be altered by the food you eat. A supplement offering Vitamin C, Calcium, Potassium and Magnesium is all fine and dandy. However, if you’re eating a normal, varied diet with plenty of different foods it’s unlikely you’ll need a top-up of such vitamins. Just to re-iterate, ‘pH balancing’ food products are not biologically viable and the man who argued that they were, and based an entire diet on such pseudoscience is in prison. Spend your £27 on a three course dinner and a glass of Prosecco at newly opened Mexican restaurant, Cantina Laredo, instead.
4. APPLE CIDER TABLETS
Very few scientific studies (mainly involving rodents) have demonstrated a small, unexplained link between the vinegar intake – not specifically apple – and reduced cholesterol and blood pressure. HOWEVER, the same results have only been demonstrated in very small scale studies with humans. More recently, theories of apple cider vinegar’s supposed fat-busting benefits have been explored in several scientific studies, all of which resulted in an outcome that we all could have predicted. Again; no conclusive evidence exists that Apple Cider vinegar (or any other vinegar for that matter) aids weight gain. One recent study did find some connection between cider vinegar and the reduction in blood sugar, over a short amount of time, but this didn’t lead to any weight loss or fat burning correlation whatsoever. What IS scientifically proven however, is that acidic foods and drinks cause discolouration of the teeth and rapidly wear away tooth enamel. For those who are prone to heartburn, acidic ingredients can trigger a relapse and people experiencing regular acid reflux symptoms are advised to avoid vinegar to prevent further discomfort. On the whole; it’s not exactly a miracle worker.
5. RAW COCONUT & AVOCADO OIL
Raw coconut oil – as opposed to cooked coconut oil (?) – is, understandably, a popular choice for vegans. However, when most olive oils and sunflower oils are also suitable for vegans, it baffles me as to why anyone would ever feel the need to spend a chunk of their wage packet on anything else. Yes, avocados are mono-unsaturated fats, which means they help to maintain a good level of cholesterol. However, so is both olive oil and rapeseed oil… Coconut oil, on the other hand, is a saturated fat – and we’re advised to limit ourselves to 20g per day (30g for men). According to the NHS; ‘too much saturated fats in your diet can raise LDL cholesterol in the blood, which can increase the risk of heart disease and stroke.’ Apparently, this particular guy, ‘Cocavo’ is the ‘healthier’ alternative to coconut oil, given the addition of avocado oil. As far as I can see, there’s literally no difference in ‘health’ benefits between a tablespoon of this overpriced stuff and a lug of your bog-standard olive oil. P.S; this actually contains a few MORE calories and 3g MORE fat than Sainsbury’s Olive Oil. P.P.S; £11.99?!?!?
6. OM MUSHROOM POWDER
A slightly eccentric Chinese professor conducted some studies (in mice) a couple of years ago that appeared to find a slight association between a reduced rate of weight gain and a certain kind of mushroom. Ganoderma Lucidum Mushrooms, commonly known as Reishi, to be specific. Researchers, who conducted the study in 2015, hypothesised that the effect was due to an increased ‘good’ bacteria in the guts of the mice who had taken the mushroom supplement. However, the effect was only seen in mice fed a high fat diet and not in mice fed a normal, balanced diet. Needless to say, so far, no effects have been found in human studies.
According to the NHS: ‘It is unlikely to be useful in tackling obesity by itself; you would still need to eat a balanced diet and take plenty of exercise. Sadly, as far as we know, there is no such thing as a single superfood that will magically enable you to lose weight.’ The NHS also advise to always consult your doctor before including any regular supplementation in your daily diet, as we’re all individual and could be effected by certain chemicals in certain ways.
‘Ganoderma lucidum supplements are available to buy online but we wouldn’t recommend doing so. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it is safe. The supplements can cause thinning of the blood, which could be very dangerous for people with high blood pressure. They are also known to interact in adverse ways with certain medications.’
