This piece has been a long time coming. Since Not Plant Based first launched in 2016, actually – but I’ve been sitting on it for a number of reasons. I’ve been reluctant to boast about my “thus far” recovery in case it turns out to be just that, and relapse is around the corner. Too many people – including experts within the field of eating disorders – have told me that being fully “recovered” isn’t necessarily possible, and so I’ve sort of been waiting for myself to fall flat on my face, but two years on and that hasn’t happened. Another reason for my somewhat silence has been because I haven’t wanted to appear like I am gloating in the faces of all the people who email me daily wishing they were about to write this piece.
This piece is just my own perspective and my own story, and the only reason I am writing it really – I promise it’s not to gloat – is to give hope to those who currently feel just as beyond saving as I once did. Through all the connections I’ve made in the world of mental health blogging, or who works in eating disorders, I’ve never actually met anyone who thought describing yourself as recovered is an option. Although, like me, they may all just be scared of jinxing.
I suppose it makes sense that I might be an anomaly when I think about it, as from a medical standpoint the longer you have been unwell, or the longer you have suffered with an eating disorder, the harder the process of recovery is, and the more likely you are to relapse – in other words, fall back into the patterns of your previous eating disorder. It is strange really when I think back to all those years of restricting myself, making myself sick, weighing myself, taking laxatives, isolating myself from friends and family and torturing my body, to now feel free from the shackles of my own mind. It’s different, but I can’t say I’m not enjoying it.
Beat, the eating disorder charity, seem to have a more positive view on recovery than my peers, and say: “We hear stories every day that tell us that recovery from an eating disorder is possible. Some people believe they will always have to find ways to cope with disordered eating thoughts but know they can make sure it doesn’t affect their behaviour and others find that once recovered they don’t have these thoughts.”
Free is exactly how I feel, and have done for close to two years now. Despite the ordeal I went through, I do also feel an element of guilt for what appears to have been a relatively straight forward recovery journey from the outside looking in, and due to the fact that I never received any professional help for my mental illness. But the truth is that it was hardly plain sailing. For seven years I had an eating disorder. For seven years I used food as a method of self harm. For seven years I hated how I looked, always wanting to be thinner, always believed my quality of life would vastly improve as soon as that happened – it didn’t. For seven years I believed I was a “failure” because I didn’t have the “restraint” of someone with anorexia. Now I feel amazing in my body and mind, and yet I feel like I’m almost not allowed to yell this straight from the rooftops upon those still on their own climb.
Aside from the obvious physical changes to my body, I truly never thought that the day would come where I could ever eat a meal without feeling racked with anxiety or guilt at the lost prospect of cutting as many calories as possible – but now I do. When people ask me what it was that helped me recover, I find it hard to pinpoint exactly, as it did feel as though one day the weight of my eating disorder had simply been lifted from my shoulders…but I know that Not Plant Based had an enormous role to play in it. Not Plant Based allowed me to talk openly about an illness I felt such shame over for the longest of times. I had always felt like I was being “silly”, or that my problem was that I couldn’t control myself, but with the help of science and other people’s stories I grew to realise that none of this was my own fault, and I think that’s where the healing could begin. The mind is a complicated organ, and mine had righteously fucked me over. For the first time, I allowed myself permission to like myself.
Beat agree: “Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses. They aren’t a choice and it certainly isn’t your fault. Researchers are still looking into the reasons why people develop eating disorders, but we know that they are more genetically and biologically based than we previously thought, and could be triggered by your environment, social pressures or other events that impact your life.”
I grew up a very introverted, melancholic person, worried about things I could not control and about the thinness of my waist. The most noticeable change in myself, and the reason why I call myself “recovered”, is my newfound confidence, which is something I never ever had. In school, I always felt voiceless, embarrassed to even take my blazer off on a hot day in case someone made fun of me. I felt like I never had enough of an opinion to raise it, or that I never looked attractive enough to attend social events or walk confidently through a group of staring eyes. Now, I know that my voice is one of the most important tools I possess, and that my looks are secondary. The new recovered me marks a new chapter in my life, and calling myself recovered is a positive tool for allowing me to separate myself from some pretty uncomfortable memories. To call myself recovered, is to allow myself to move on from my mental illness, and to take pride in the person I am today.
I have to be honest. For this reason, I do find it hard to continue to write about eating disorders, or talk about them so openly as it’s difficult for me to keep delving into my past when I am unable to save the me who struggled so endlessly for all those years. But I do, and I will continue to, because of our readers and the people who email me wishing to one day be where I am now. So that they too can call themselves recovered one day.
*Whilst Laura was lucky, for most, it is very tough to recover from an eating disorder without professional, qualified experts to help you. Eating disorders are a serious mental illness that warrant appropriate medical treatment. If you are suffering, contact B-eat and visit your GP.
Next week, Eve tells a very different story about her own recovery…