Something strange happened to me this week – I got paid enough money to actually spend some of it on myself. Usually, my freelance invoices only give me enough to cover my personal bills and a monstrous amount of weekly takeaways, but this month was different. I’ve been working really hard (seven days a week, what’s new?) on a couple of NPB projects and some anti-diet PR, and have known that I have been due a bump in my pay…but when I thought of what I should do with it, I’ve been feeling a little panicked. Should I plan a trip to Japan? Somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. Move out of my parent’s house…again? Buy a new car? A new laptop? Invest in a better camera? Or should I save it in case next month isn’t so fruitful?

When the money hit my balance, I knew what the right thing to do was, as the words “treat yoself” flashed in my brain. I was going to go clothes shopping.

By clothes shopping, I mean physically going into shops and trying things on in dimly-lit, claggy changing rooms, which is something I haven’t done in approximately five years. Sure, I’ve bought a few bundles here and there from ASOS to try on alone in my room, but there’s no fear quite like some dodgy lighting in a store’s giant, unforgiving mirror to highlight your cellulite and remind you of your weight gain.

I’ve been very open about how I feel recovered from my eating disorder, yet I am still not immune from those days where I feel low about how I look and so I have avoided situations where I could feel like my body is inadequate – like trying on new clothes. For years, I have felt sheltered by the comfort of wearing the same Simpson’s wardrobe of black dresses, and while I love a LBD, I’ve felt like I wanted a change. My post-recovery body is different to the one I would deprive and punish before, and the time had come to christen it with a spree, where I could buy all the things I’d wanted to but had been too scared to try in case they looked hideous on me…like colour or (heaven forbid) jeans.

These two photos were taken five years apart, in the same room. Aside from just looking totally unwell in the one on the left, I can feel the pain of seclusion when I look at it. I bought that dress after starving myself for a month in order to fit into it for a party, but when the time came to actually wear it out in public, I was too exhausted, and stayed at home instead. This is upsetting on so many levels for me, but is a strong reminder that it is important to feed myself and look after the body I have today, because it’s taken a fucking battle to get here. Whether I fit into a size 8 or not, who gives a shit.

To escape the doom of leaving each shop feeling useless after trying to squeeze into a dress too small, I thought out some tips to stick by before even leaving my house, so that I’d come home feeling spoiled and not ridiculous.

1. Fuck the numbers

I always used to think that if I ever had to buy a piece of clothing above a size 10, it would just be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But today, I own multiple and haven’t died yet. Sizes differ across different shops, and the reality is that the numbers don’t really mean anything. Focus on buying what fits, regardless of any satisfaction you were hoping to feel at fitting into a smaller size. When you are wearing it, nobody will be able to tell anyway.

2. Take multiple sizes in with you to try

Having not gone clothes shopping in five years, I found myself picking up clothes which would have fit me before but are far too small now. Rather than feel low after trying to squeeze into some jeans I thought might fit, I started to take in four different sizes with me, so I could find my correct size and not leave the changing room feeling like a failure.

3. Try on something you’d love to wear, but are scared to

For me, this was a colourful crop top. I’d never normally wear such a thing, but I tried one on regardless, and you know what? It looked fucking great, so I bought it.

4. Look at your naked self

Cellulite is a relative new thing for me, and having the opportunity to stare at it in a foreign mirror from all angles panicked me initially. But, I breathed, remembered the comparison photo above, and began to see it as a part of my body, not something to get rid of. Once you are able to do that, you take away any power from those negative disordered thoughts.

5. Eat

Don’t go hungry and go clothes shopping because you think you might fit into the clothes better. You’ll be moody and will leave in a strop, likely empty handed. You need the energy to fight a bitch over the sales rail.

6. Don’t leave empty handed

If you can’t find anything you like on a day when you set out to “treat yoself”, or anything that fits you well, go treat yourself to a manicure. You’ll spend the rest of the day looking at your nails, and it will be a small, well deserved indulgence that you deserve.

7. Enjoy it, ffs

You work hard for your money and your days off. Enjoy a day out spoiling yourself! Life is too short not to.