Hands up if your mum/sister/grandma/third cousin twice removed has at one time or another announced their current diet endeavour – most likely during a already emotionally heightened family event? That familiar foul after-taste that comes after eating a deliciously slimy slice of pizza when it’s coupled with chimes of female relatives’ excuses; ‘it’s fine, I didn’t have lunch today.’ *Never-ending eye-roll. I once told a good friend of mine that, for future reference, she never needs to justify or explain her food choices to me after she insisted on pre-empting her afternoon snack with ‘I’m not having dinner until much later.’ She was visibly astonished at the existence of such a non-judgemental rule.
My grandmother was on Weight Watchers for the entirety of her young adult life, which fortunately I was non-the wiser to. She came from a generation in which taking drugs to control a woman’s weight was as natural as wearing underwear, and unmarried women – and therefore presumably undesirable – were deemed an unfortunate subset of society. Women’s social capital was the respect and acceptance of the men that surrounded them; determined by their capacity to perform as a mother, wife and lover.
Then came the cult of celebrity and with it a new, seemingly achievable depiction of beauty, so insipid in our lives and brains, yet so far from communal reality. In a recent interview with Fat is a Feminist issue author Susie Orbach, I learned that the cultural obsession with being beautiful has been a relatively recent explosion: ‘It’s only been since the early 20th century that women have been subjected to this idea that everyone can be beautiful – and everyone should be beautiful,’ she told me. Before the early 1900s, captivating beauty was reserved as a privilege for the godly figures of fame, fortune and upper class society – it wasn’t realistic, nor did it bare much relevance or importance to the lives of 95 per cent of the population. People were far too busy collecting coal and sweeping chimneys…or some shit.
A taste for Hollywood flawlessness trickled through our grandmothers’ (and probably grandfathers’) veins, into our parents’ psyches and eventually splatter-gunned into our young, impressionable brains. Then we walked outside our house and got further pelted with adverts for fat loss shakes and posters on the tube asking if we’re ‘beach-body’ ready. And then the Kardashians happened. And then Love Island.
Regardless of how we got here, what remains is a residual body discourse steeped in self-criticism – especially among women. I explain the context of these cross-generational thoughts and feelings in the interest of conserving relationships with the female members of your family and avoiding the toxicity of resentment. Your first reaction when your mum – more aware of your struggles to accept your body than anyone else – comments on your portion of cake is to scream at her; ‘AS IF THIS ISN’T HARD ENOUGH‘ and stop eating for the rest of the week. Understandably so. But don’t. Strictly speaking, it’s not really her fault. Similarly, when your best mate announces she’s ‘off carbs’ because she read on Goop.com that they might make you fat, resist pelting her with sweet potato fries. For one, it’s a waste of perfectly delicious fried food, but also it is unlikely to make you feel any greater sense of peace with either your friend or yourself. What it will do, is ramp up your anxiety enough to make dinner that little bit tougher to swallow. Instead; Stop. Gather yourself. And do the following…
THINK: ‘EVERYONE IS A PRODUCT OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT’
Including you! These nuggets of ‘information’ have not been plucked from your mum/friend/grandma’s collection of hand grenades formulated specifically to piss you off. Every thought, belief and value is rooted in one’s experience of being in the world and where they feel they sit within it. Take you, for instance. The only reason why you are aware that nutribollocks is nutribollocks is because of the tide of shitness that you were forced to ride to reach the enlightenment. And also because, for whatever reason, you are inclined to ask questions rather than ingesting every piece of shit you read on the Internet. That, my friend, means you are winning. Granted one would hope that the internet worshipper would pick the times they chime in with such gems appropriately, but hey…no one’s perfect. Feel sorry for the naive information absorber and let them learn – on their own – that life without carbohydrates is in fact, pretty shit. She’ll emerge hangry and miserable – but at least she’ll learn her lesson.
DEEP BREATHING
It seems trite but trust me, it works to get you past the point where you are so filled with rage that your abdomen feels like a pizza oven. Taking five to ten very deep breaths – in through the nose and out through the mouth – will help the emotion to soften, allowing you to see things logically and rationally. You don’t have to do this hidden in the toilet like some kind of perpetual masturbator. It is very easily concealed and often goes unnoticed amidst the harmonies of, ‘can you pass the butter’ and ‘diary is the devil’. Also if someone does actually believe that dairy is the devil they will be far to stupid to notice a giant elephant in the room, let alone your over-pronounced breaths.
EDUCATE
This is a labour intensive one that’s best practiced if you a) have done your research and b) care about the person enough to save them from idiocy. Calmly, without judgement, explain that their take is ‘interesting’ given a report by an international scientific body that is widely accepted as best medical practice – that you just so happened to have read. Pose it as ‘omg there’s this really cool interesting thing I know’ rather than a condescending jibe. If you inform with love, the respondent is much more likely to take your comments on board and STOP WATCHING WHAT THE HEALTH FFS. Well, we can only hope.
MAKE A FUNNY (NOT FUNNY) JOKE
My current one comes in handy when friends start on The Only Way Is Vegan track, any other diet is an unethical crime to our planet and it’s people…they say. Rather than explaining the complexities and factual inaccuracies of such a statement (the difference in rearing between the UK and the US; multitude of other factors responsible for melting the polar icecaps e.t.c.), I stop and wait for silence. Then I continue with: ‘Yeah but don’t you all fuel the horrifically immoral drug trade with your weekend cocaine habit?’ Which tends to get a round of lols, followed by a collective admission of guilt. Find a killer irony or hypocrisy within their statement (hopefully they wear leather) and fling it out there like chocolate sprinkles. Whilst fundamentally I don’t support the use of self deprecating humour to grant yourself permission to speak your truth, in this case it can be useful. I once replied to a friend’s remark, ‘have you seen the state of xxx xxx? She’s put on loads of weight’ with – ‘i’m deleting you on Facebook when I regain my weight hahahaha hahahaha. Ha.’ She never said anything of the sort again.
BE HONEST
This one is probably reserved for immediate family and friends, unless you’re really emotionally invested in the woman behind the checkout in Sainsbury’s. Choose your opportunity – maybe it’s a text, maybe it’s face-to-face in an intimate moment. It’s not YOUR fault that people you love need to practice sensitivity – they should do it regardless of what you may or may not have been through. Be upfront and truthful about how it feels to hear those words and why it makes things harder. If someone loves you they will try their hardest to do what they can to control their comments for the sake of your happiness. The chances they are desperate for some rules about what/what not to say – they just never thought to ask. It is worth saying, however, that there will be occasions and people who, try as you might, just don’t get it. And that’s okay. Place your mental wellbeing at the centre of the situation: much healthier to accept gaps in their knowledge and their unlikeliness to change than to get hung up on something out of your control. They’re not trying to be hurtful, they just draw on different experiences to you and unfortunately are not considering the lives of those they care about. You can deal with all of this. Take some deep breaths, with YOUR story and YOUR experience in the front of your mind. Be empowered with the knowledge that your behavioirs, thoughts, experiences and values are unique to you – just as miss ‘I’m on a juice cleanse’s are bespoke for her. The only thing you can do is live your life, by your rules.
TEXT A FRIEND WHO GETS IT
The majority of mine and Laura’s Whatsapp messages consist of ‘my auntie/friend/grandma has just said xxxxx *eye roll emoji*. Even if all we can muster as a reply is a supportive eye roll, knowing that there is someone out there who gets it grants you almighty power. You are not abnormal for rejecting diets but there’s plenty of sick weirdos out there who may well try and brainwash you. Find a tribe of diet bashers and stick with ‘em. Have an emergency stash of @notplantbased Instagram posts to pull up on demand. You never know when those sick Gillian Mckeith fans are about to strike.
