I feel I’ve lost my confidence lately. I’ve been rocked by a family trauma which has sent an avalanche of bottled feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness and self loathing spilling down from buried deep within my subconscious, and it has frightened me into questioning my own recovery.
Things that would be taken in my stride before have become difficult and uncomfortable, making me feel that I have had my self esteem set back five years again. For example, I recently appeared on BBC Woman’s Hour to discuss how my battle with bulimia has affected my teeth and calling for more dentists to have conversations with vulnerable patients about their mental health, and although this is an enormous achievement for any female journalist, I couldn’t help but focus on the fact that I would not be interesting to an audience had I not been mentally unwell and able to talk about it somewhat openly. I had sleepless nights in the lead up to the interview and scared myself into thinking that a nervous wobble in my voice would leave me vulnerable to criticism – criticism which I couldn’t bear to deal with when I felt so anxious.
Although I understand that everyone experiences low points, and in comparison to my largely positive mood throughout the past year, this is but a minor blip…still, I haven’t been able to escape the disordered thoughts from seeping back into my brain suggesting that I should change the way I look in order to feel better, and this had worried me. I’ve had thoughts of dieting again in order to lose the bulge on my lower stomach that I had forgotten I hated, but thankfully, these have only been thoughts, and I’ve still been eating a lot of burgers. I have been afraid that this spell might have left me vulnerable to relapsing on my recovery.
When I read Beyonce’s Vogue interview about her appreciation for her plumper body and how “my little FUPA (fat upper pubic area) and I feel like we are meant to be”, I couldn’t help but beat myself up over the fact that my FUPA wasn’t the result of giving birth to twins, rather than feel uplifted my the comment and shared physical trait from one of my favourite celebrities.
This latest self betrayal of the way I look feels nostalgic, but undoing of all the work I have done on myself since my eating disorders. When I question why I have felt the way I do lately, I think I can attribute some of my feelings to a career change, as I have set up my own anti diet PR company called Sugar Content PR, and admittedly initially have felt out of my depth. This is the first project I have worked on solo, and although it is something that I enjoy, feel I am good at and that I feel is important, the change has really shook me up emotionally. I mean, the other day the nail technician laughed at my colour choice, and rather than roll my eyes and get on with my day like usual, I’ve been thinking about it since, worried that she might be right, that every decision I have been making is shit. Lol.
Through my PR agency, I have to spend a lot of time on social media, and have found myself deep into my explore feeds pining after those impossibly tiny waists and rounded hips. However, during one of my late night scrollings, I discovered the Instagram page Celebface, which I recommend you all follow if you are feeling like me. It basically shows celebrity’s photos on Instagram and compares them to the originals in gif form so you can see all the photoshopping. Like Kim Kardashian’s waist isn’t actually small enough for you to fit your hand around?! Shock! Although it’s not news that celebs photoshop themselves, it’s nice to be reminded of just how truly fake the platform is.
I spotted a chart on Instagram this morning posted by Women’s Health UK, where the publication surveyed thousands of Women’s Health readers around the world and found that the UK was one of just two nations that didn’t think they were beautiful. Only 44% of them considered themselves beautiful when compared to 82% from Brazil. Isn’t that crazy? Why is that? Why in the UK do we feel undeserving of beauty, and bashful of admitting our own attractive qualities? This chart has made me realise that my confidence is something that I need to rebuild and fast, as I do not want to be one of the 56% anymore. I want to hold my head high and practise what I preach – that we should all learn to love ourselves how we are right now.
So I’m going to work on doing that, and I’m going to start by putting on some Sade, and reading Eve’s 5 science based tips to help build body confidence. I am going to put on my favourite dress and I am going to wander around aimlessly reminding myself that I have every reason to feel confident and beautiful. I am also going to chant this quote repeatedly by C.S Lewis when I am feeling beaten and bruised by my past: “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
