Last Monday, I was almost blinded by complete and utter exhaustion. I’d somehow lasted a full working day without noticing the crimson veins clambering up my eyeballs, and the prickly bark that disguised my voice if anyone dared to enquire as to my weekend plans. I demolished the last of the Green & Black’s ice cream, flung myself at the bed and woke up the next morning with mascara in my mouth (and on the pillow). It was not sexy. Much to my boyfriend’s surprise, I forced myself up and out into the hellish temperatures at 6am in dedication to my ‘healthful’ pursuit. Promise not to shoot me? Said pursuit was…the gym.
I know, but don’t worry. I’m not sick. My existence in the gym is wildly different to how it was in the height of my eating disorder. You’ll be more likely to catch me liking Deliciously Ella’s Instagram posts than you will visiting the darn place more than twice a week. When I do make it, there’s no more pounding it on the treadmill for an hour or cycling until my vagina bleeds (that only happened one time). Instead, I enjoy a light jog for ten minutes before retiring to the squashy yoga mats for some stretching and bridging exercises. Perhaps three or four sit-ups if I dare. Generally speaking, I’m in and out within 45 minutes and have barely broken a sweat.
Yet, if two or three weeks pass and I haven’t been, a noticeable uneasiness begins to bubble up inside me. Suddenly, I am slovenly; idle; inadequate; beastly. I’m convinced my limbs have grown heavier, my jeans tighter. So, even on the days when I’d rather go for a (vegan) lunch with Theresa May than board a treadmill, I force myself to do some exercise. Alas, even four years into recovery, my relationship with the gym isn’t totally healthy – and it’s taken me the best part of four years to come to terms with this sad fact. See, when you live and work, in a world where every health professional and second Instagram post speaks of the transformative effect of exercise for your health, it’s difficult to own a different relationship with physical activity. And yes, our potato-loving nation probably could do with going for a run every now and then. Exercise is proven in studies to reduce the risk of heart disease, cancer and stroke, and can even prevent cognitive decline and dementia.
It’s all too easy to fall back into the silent crowd of Lululemon-clad, cacao-shake drinkers who probably are perfectly healthy. I’m sure most gym-goers can pop to the gym when they fancy and stay in bed when they don’t without giving it much thought. Most are not haunted by the terror of dropping half a stone without realising, and suddenly re-entering the anorexic tier. The girl on the treadmill next to me has no idea of my underlying feeling of unworthiness that jumps at every opportunity to tell me I’m not running fast enough. Thankfully I now have the wherewithal to tell those taunting whispers where to go, but they are by no means banished.
So what’s the solution? Do I have a medical excuse to dodge exercise for the rest of my life? The NHS’ advice depends on where you are in your eating disorder recovery, and of course, whether or not you have weight to gain. ‘If you are coming out of an eating disorder, it’s generally best to shun all exercise apart from maybe the odd walk or yoga class,’ says Renee McGregor, a dietitian who specialises in eating disorders and performance sport.
‘You won’t be able to evaluate if it is making you feel better mentally or physically because your hormones, such as dopamine which makes you feel good, are likely to still be unbalanced.’ The problem with eating disorders in the active population is one Renee is doing her best to combat with her campaign Train Brave – an initiative to encourage athletes to talk openly about eating disorders. The difficulty for us with the old wobbly brains is that we have an insatiable appetite (bad choice of phrase) for control. As Renee explains: ‘people with disordered eating often return to certain coping mechanisms as soon as life turns chaotic,’ It is for this reason that many of us trudge off to the gym because we feel we ‘should’ – not because we enjoy alone time with the cross trainer…I mean, who does?
A study of more than 300 women with eating disorders by researchers at the University of Munich found that participants exercised for significantly longer periods and engaged in more intensive activities than healthy controls. Motivations were different too; disordered individuals exercised for challenge, recognition and enjoyment, whereas healthy participants did so to ‘avoid ill-health’. Interestingly, manipulation of body image was a motivating factor across the board. It must be said – the results ran true for all eating disorders; binge-eaters and those with bulimia or anorexia. ‘If you feel you should go, or you need to go,’ Renee says, ‘rather than you genuinely want to; that, to me, is alarm bells.’ Be honest with yourself. Is this you? It’s definitely close to the bone for me.
But what about my health! If I bail on exercise for a few months am I residing myself to an early grave? What about heart disease? Dementia? Carpel Tunnel syndrome!
‘We’re forever being told we need to exercise more, but the amount we actually need to do to keep us healthy is very little,’ says Renee. For those of us who lead a relatively active life (walking to and from train stations, walking the width of Westfield on weekends) it is very likely that we are already doing enough exercise to see us through a long, healthy and happy life. In 2016, I spoke to exercise professors at Loughborough University who told me that 150 minutes of moderate exercise weekly is the optimum amount needed to keep us fit and healthy throughout life. And by moderate, I literally mean taking the dog for a walk, doing a yoga class or dancing inna di rave on a girl’s night out. Caveat: this research only applies to those who are a healthy weight and not suffering from an eating disorder.
‘For people with eating disorders, anything other than a spot of yoga or gentle walk will not be healthy for you,’ Renee explains, ‘your body can’t reap the benefits of exercise unless endocrine and biochemical function is restored.’ Renee is referring to the increase in cortisol released when the body is under stress; either physical or mental. Any extreme eating will have this effect – whether restricting, binging or purging. Exercise also results in an added burst of cortisol and if the body is already stressed, this is not good news. ‘Excess cortisol will block the pituitary gland’s release of vital hormones including oestrogen and testosterone which are crucial for reproductive function.’ Here be the reason why you might be a ‘healthy’ weight, but still be missing your periods. Added to that, if you are still underweight, any physical activity will do nothing more than further compromise your health. ‘Your body is already working really hard to make up for a deficit,’ Renee explains, ‘and the excess cortisol will be effecting your metabolism of fats and carbohydrates so you probably won’t be absorbing enough nutrients.’
It is tough to bail on exercise when we’re bombarded with Government messages inferring that we’re pieces of shit for not moving our bodies enough. But please remember – those messages are not relevant for everyone. Renee puts it nicely: ‘Life is transient. At the moment, the best thing for your health might be for you to rest your body and eat a Snickers bar four times a day. So long as you’re eating generally well balanced meals as well, then so be it!’
So there you have it. Fuck the gym. Go have a Snickers.