One Christmas, a few years back, remains embedded in my head for all the wrong reasons. I’d carried the weight of an eating disorder for too long by this point, and it just so happened that during this winter I reached one of my thinnest points, despite all the mulled wine, cheese selections and ten forms of potatoes available to me most days. I went to the pub with friends and bumped into an old “family friend”; the sort you’d spot and feel your heart sink as you wonder what offensive thing they’ll say to you this time…but you have to go and say hello out of British politeness. After avoiding his drunken gaze for most of the night, I made the fatal error of needing a drink just as he did, and we ended up side by side at the bar. “Wow, you’ve lost such a lot of weight!!” He said, which made my ears prick up with delight, as of course this had been the aim of starving myself for so long: Attention from people I didn’t care about. “…it’s not a good thing”, he added. “You looked so much better before.”

These words really stung. Although this man had a reputation for being a prick, I really cared about what he thought because I cared what everyone thought about me, especially when it came to my appearance. It hurt that I had been struggling for so long with an eating problem, and yet because someone couldn’t speak with decorum and think “maybe this young girl has lost so much weight because she is unwell” before they opened their giant, ale-soaked gob, I spent the rest of the holiday replaying those words over and over again in my head. I felt that I wasn’t good enough when I was at my skinniest, nor was I good enough at my “regular” weight.

Of course, this story is a familiar one for lots of people too because of weight gain. I recently heard the story of a girl who went away travelling, coming home a few months later happy and aware of the fact she’d gained a few pounds, which is sometimes the perfectly fine result of having a fucking great time indulging in red wine and cheese every evening. She arrived home and tried on a pair of jeans that once fit her, only for a family member to burst through the door and comment that she’d put on a disastrous amount of weight that she needed to lose immediately and explained that for this reason of course she wouldn’t be able to fit into said jeans.

Sometimes, it’s unavoidable that family members, family friends and even your own friends will comment on your weight – without your asking – because they think it’s “for your own good”, and it’s okay, “because they love you”. Sometimes, they might think it’s fine to comment on weight loss but not gain, because it’s a “compliment”. It’s not, by the way. It’s none of their business. You don’t know why someone has lost or gained weight, and a more sensitive way to approach the subject (if you are worried) would be to ask them if everything is okay.

I recognise that your great aunt Sylvia – bless her racist soul – probably won’t change anytime soon, and won’t overnight become “woke” to diet culture because of a video she has watched on Instagram. Nope, the poor old bat is set in her ways, and is probably going to loudly call you fat at the dinner table while everyone else pretends they didn’t hear her. At which point she’ll probably say it again even louder.

So since our Sylv won’t pipe down, here are some tips to help you get through the holidays, with family and friends you’d rather not be hanging out with, and to keep your mental health in somewhat good tact.

1. Prepare yourself

If you have an eating problem, you’ll likely be aware of the fact that you have put on or lost weight. Knowing your loved ones, you’ll probably already be able to list those that are going to make comments.

Be prepared. Know that these comments will probably be made, and try (I know, it’s really hard) to laugh them off. Or, prepare a witty one liner to deliver in response to quieten them. Something like: “Thank you. I find the weight gain really staves off the wrinkles, but I suppose you can’t relate.”

(Kidding, don’t be mean to Slyv.)

2. Brief family members (if you wish to)

If you have told your mom about your eating problems, for example, maybe you could get her to have a quiet word with other family members before you all meet up, so that insensitive comments are avoided.

However, for some people, this can be embarrassing…so it’s totally down to personal preference whether you do this.

3. Blame diet culture, not them

You have to feel sorry for them, really. They’ve lived their lives believing that thin=healthy+happy, but you know that that is not the case, and you know that how much you weigh doesn’t define your worth. It’s sad that they can’t see that too.

4. Look at the bigger picture

You, before this point, have been working so hard on your mental health in order to get to where you are. You are a work in progress. You have come so far to heal your relationship with food, and I am very proud of you. Try not to allow someone’s ill thought out comments to spoil all that hard work and indeed your Christmas.

5. Leave the house

If your family are doing your head in, leave the house. Go to the pub and meet your friends who you know love you just the way you are, and know how hard you’ve been working on yourself. Go get a mulled wine and talk about fuckboys/girls instead.

6. Tell them politely to STFU

If you’re feeling brave, ask Sylvia if she’d mind stopping commenting on your weight, because you heard her the first time and you’d rather talk about something more interesting…like Brexit (LOL).

7. Distract yourself

If you can’t get out the house, go up to your room and watch a film. If it’s not your house, go on your phone and Whatsapp your friend about how fucked up your family is. They will probably be able to relate in some way.

8. Don’t alter your eating because you feel embarrassed

Comments on your weight, for someone who has an eating problem, can mean that the person feels they have to stop eating in case anyone says anything. Don’t do this. Christmas food is the best. Grab that last piece of ham and enjoy it. Go back to number 4 if you’re feeling vulnerable.

9. Don’t go

If your family members, quite frankly, bully you about your weight. Don’t go. See if a friend will have you instead. Or maybe go volunteering for the day, so you have an excuse not to go. Just because you are related doesn’t mean they have to treat you like shit.

10. Breathe

I watched this video on Felicity Hayward’s Instagram recently, and it made me so happy. Although I’m not plus size, maybe you can relate to these words, breathe and have the confidence to wade through your Christmas parties exactly how you are right now.

Remember, you deserve to exist, no matter what size you are.