Behold! A new year cometh. After the mother-fucking hangover from hell has subsided and you’ve peeled Chris from recruitment, who plays rugby on Sundays and has hairless legs from your bare naked breasts, a wealth of new beginnings await you. Who knows what uncovered treasures are calling to be discovered the minute your iPhone clock reads ‘2019’? Well, I do. Probably much the same disappointing non-events as you trudged through in 2018, I’d expect. Although maybe you’ll experience said events at a slightly more tolerable temperature (thanks global warming), and with a fraction less respect for British politicians. There’ll be the same mediocre Pret Americanos; the same jobsworth TFL employee at the station; the same gormless boiled gammon faces (aka Jacob Rhys Mogg and the like) glaring into your soul when watching BBC news at 10, and, of course, the identical flurry of slimming supplements, ex-Emmerdale stars flogging fitness DVDs, and Piers Morgan announcing his hatred for fat people. I mean, Kelly Brook has already been announced as the new face of SlimFast and it’s not even January yet.
Logical people who continue to subscribe to the notion that an extra minute of time that separates one day from the next will magic away their fear of the gym baffle me. Similarly, celebrating the fact that time does not stand still and has…reached another day (!) is, to me, utterly barmy. It’s kinda like popping bottles every-time every single person in the world takes a shit. Anyway, don’t think about it too much. Appreciate it for what it is and nothing more. An opportunity to drink too much gin, wear a leotard and eat a kebab in the £1000000 Uber ride home. When the clock strikes midnight, there’s little chance that the forthcoming hours will provide a sudden solution to life’s miseries. But – in the interest of festive optimism – at least we can be sure of what 2019 will NOT bring. Largely because, the fleeting time in which they were a ‘thing’ exists in a year that, as of midnight, is dead and buried forever. And, according to the rules of retro, we’ll have to wait until at least 2049 until they’re cool/relevant again. By which time, I shall be almost 60 and plan to be high on home-grown skunk 80 per cent of the time, and with any luck the founders of Boo Tea will be serving some sort of custodial sentence. Here are all the things that can fuck off with 2018 forever…
100 CALORIE SNACKS
In a particularly idiotic move, Public Health England launched a new campaign in January that involved lambasting poor, hungry Britons for eating anything that wasn’t a carrot stick or sad rice cake in between meals. Officials suggested parents delight their gnarly, hyperactive children a single scotch pancake after school. Or perhaps a slice of that famous childhood favourite; reduced sugar malt loaf! For those really committed to the cause, a handy ‘food zapper app’ was also provided by PHE, telling parents –and their increasingly anxious children – of all the sugars, fats and calories lurking inside every food they dare to get their obesity-ridden fingers on. Funny, a very similar app came in particularly handy during my flirtation with anorexia. Eating disorders for everyone!
STEVE MILLER
You may not recognise the name of this weasely little man, and you’d be forgiven for it. In May, the ‘weight-loss-guru’ wrote in The Sun, ‘PARENTS should think before they breed and not have kids if they can’t handle the truth when it comes to obesity.’ How’s that for a catchy opener? The Channel Five TV presenter got on his fat-shaming soap box for all of about 20 minutes this summer, before being harpooned (OH THE IRONY) down by the rest of rational-thinking society. He is also the genius behind the widely unknown initiative, ‘tell a friend they are chubby day’. According to Miller, offering ones’ opinion on a pal’s body size is a sure-fire way to solve Briton’s obesity crisis. Clearly the ‘guru’ does not read scientific papers; a recent Obesity Journal study found that fat-shaming is more likely to cause further weight gain due to comfort eating. Miller also regularly retweets Nigel Farage, and supports a group called ‘Tory Resurgence, #standupforbrexit’. Some stark political wisdom there, shared with all of his…361 Twitter followers.
ITSU
Fresh from encouraging the consumption of ‘zero’ calorie noodles, 2018 marked another food faux par for the ridiculously overpriced sushi eatery. In March, Liz Clarke shared images of two sauce bottles on social media, which were decorated with pictures that are apparently framed to focus on women’s bums. Who needs feminism, ey? The sushi giant replied to the tweet, claiming that the images were part of a partnership with the England volleyball team’s Beach Tour. They also claimed the images were intended to promote a ‘healthier lifestyle’. I could be wrong, but pretty sure that it’s not the people spending £7 on a pack of California rolls everyday that need to be nudged in a healthier direction. Also I’d eat a lot more ‘beautiful’ if the portions were bigger than my fingertip. Also no one cares about your new vegan range because EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE TOO. Ktnxbye.
GWYNETH PALTROW
Obviously.
INFLUENCERS WHO PROMOTE NATURAL CYCLES
Want to avoid pregnancy? Don’t fancy an abortion? There’s an app for that! This year saw yet more of ‘oh ye who is basic’ tout the benefits of Swedish contraceptive app, Natural Cycles. Despite being told to remove Facebook ads promoting its effectiveness by industry regulators, the app’s popularity continued to soar with thousands shunning their trusted Pill for what is essentially a thermometer instead. For some, Natural Cycles does actually work. Probably because they are already pretty sure about when their period will come and therefore unlikely to have sex when they know they’re at risk. Also, most people who get preg whilst using the app aren’t heartbroken…they are (largely) middle class, privileged women who can afford to have a baby without it leaving them homeless, starving, and/or both. Not naming names, but it was interesting to see the number of Instagram honies paid by the company to promote the app. Although apparently it wasn’t the money that drew them in – they love the non-hormonal, easy option that the app grants them. They also love their adorable, smiling babies that coincidentally popped out a few months after they decided to bum Natural Cycles… (not naming names…but let’s be honest, you know exactly who I’m talking about).
JACKFRUIT
Tried it. Hated it. Smother it in barbecue sauce however, and it’s mildly tolerable. IT IS NOT A ‘HEALTHY’ ALTERNATIVE TO MEAT.
POLITICIANS AND THEIR DIETS
Instead of informing us about their plans to de-rail Brexit, Labour politicians chose 2018 to tell us of their potato preference. Or, lack there of. In September, the deputy leader of the Labour Party, Tom Watson, achieved an admirable feat; HE LOST SOME WEIGHT. Six stones, no less! Tbf, he did ‘reverse’ his diabetes; but his sudden expertise in the field of metabolic disease seemed somewhat surprising. Based on literally nothing other than his personal experience, Watson jumped aboard the low-carb lobby, spouting the perils of ‘processed’ (chopped tomatoes are processed) foods, sugar and – of course – bread. If he were in power, he said, this punitive, restrictive regime would form the basis of Labour strategy for tackling obesity in Britain. As brilliantly explained by Dr Ellie Cannon in her column for Pulse magazine in September, there is no scientific evidence to suggest that the restriction of carbs from the diet brings about any more meaningful/long-lasting weight loss than any other method of dieting. Sure, he lost weight, but there’s every chance that was because he stopped eating so many biscuits. If you eat too many biscuits, or any food for that matter, you’ll gain weight. And no one needs a fucking politician to tell them that.
Remember: New year, same you. Have a good one kids x
